What, You Think This is Fun? – A Depression Post

Posted by Mark on February 22, 2012 in Depression | Short Link

That feeling of choking on fresh air.  You know the sensation?  You gulp and gulp, screaming in your head for air, fresh air, stale air, air.  It’s sort of like trying to swim an Olympic race in a pool full of hot tar.  That’s sort of what Depression feels like sometimes.

Except you go through life, and smile at the jokes and get outraged at the news and you put on a brave face.  Or a mask.  Or both.  Your life becomes a trudge.  One foot in front of the other, a stumble to the finish line.  Arrive home, make nice then make a dent in the sofa.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  One day doesn’t blend into another, they simply are.

Don’t get me wrong, I still take joy in some things.  Seeing pictures of little people being little people, my daughter, the voice of my wife on the phone or the same room always gives me a happy.  But, I’ve noticed that certain things like watching sports is done more out of habit now as opposed to desire.  My mind wanders, I read during the game or try to.  I check email, twitter, facebook, email, twitter, facebook…and sit there, denting the sofa.

There are well-meaning people who want you do “do what’s best” and “get help” and so forth.  And I appreciate it.  You’ve no idea.  I’m so grateful I’m not in the position of the woman described in this post by my friend Stereo*.  I don’t have the dismissive attitude from friends and family.  I’m surrounded by love and support, just a phone call away.   Still, I feel like I’m in the midst of a cocoon of marshmallows with the pressures of everyday life just out of reach.  I’ve insulated myself to the point of not giving a damn about a lot of things.

More than ideation (in the medical sense), this scares me.  Terrifies me, actually.  Quietly, of course. Terror is muted, as is most everything else.  Still, this beats hell out of not giving a damn at all, y’know?

I gotta admit, I sometimes think the worst is over.  I’ve written more lately, got off my butt a bit more and participated in life.  Read for longer periods of time, and something that my wife noticed is that I’ve been better about feeding the birds.  That was one of her clues that something wasn’t as it should be.  I sure hope so.  I see a friend next week that I hope to talk to about some of this and maybe get some relief.

And write more.

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  • http://www.storiesofconflictandlove.com Roxanne

    Mark, I find the apathy that can come with depression harder to deal with than the sadness… This inability to get really excited about something, the difficulty focusing because it’s hard to care… I just crawled out of a spell of it myself and the relief of seeing brighter colors is incomparable. I know it will come to you again soon, and I’ll be reading your beautiful words and celebrating the little joys with you till that moment comes.

    • http://radio-nowhere.org/nb/ Mark

      The apathy is the hardest for me to accept and live with.  Or fight and try to break through.  Sometimes all I do is get angry and use that energy but it is ultimately self-destructive at best.

      Colors…maybe when the trees start to green up and the lawns look less like filthy carpets that will help.

  • http://twitter.com/uncletypewriter Stereo.*

    It makes me burn with anger the blase attitude so many people have towards depression. This whole “try harder” or “get over it” view people take. As if it’s a choice. I have said time and time again that my heart breaks for you. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I’ll continue to fight to make people sit up and take note though; I think it’s the very least I can do.

    I’ll also be praying that it gets better for you. And I remain here whenever you need to talk.

    • http://radio-nowhere.org/nb/ Mark

      I don’t bother with the angers anymore.  It’s not really worth it.  That sort of blasé attitude says far more about them than it does me.  So, I don’t worry about it too much.

      That said, your post about your friend moved me close to tears.  Because I felt it, I understood, that feeling of screaming and nobody hearing you.  Sometimes, the one person who needs to hear it most is yourself and that doesn’t always happen either…

      And thanks…

  • Pingback: ***C***

  • Tracy Mangold

    Or those who say, “just be happy.” seriously? it’s not that simple! it’s not a choice at all. it creeps in and wreaks havoc. i’m sorry you have to go through this. i wish i had a way to take it from you and fling it far far away. so much love and adoration we all have for you – always, dear friend.

    • http://radio-nowhere.org/nb/ Mark

      It’s a dismissive attitude and very frustrating.  However, like I responded to Stereo*, I find it says more about them than me and try to keep that in mind…

  • Mrsmediocrity

     I’m here, listening. I know there are no easy answers, no perfect fix, no sudden relief. I don’t have any solutions. But I care and I can listen.
    There is a feeling of hope in this, peeking out, tentatively. I like that.

  • Connie

    so many times words are inadequate- listening is all there is- even that seems half baked at the best- but that is the simple offering- a bit of listening (reading in this case) and a whole lot of praying. When I was battling cancer- I wanted to tell people to just NOT say anything= no matter how hard they tried to say the right thing- it always seemed to come off wrong- I just wanted them to ‘be there’- not stuff huge bottles of amazing ‘this will definitely cure cancer’ grass juice or pills that supposedly would make the tumors vanish- or water cures- or ‘just take these cures so we don’t have to face the fact you are dying and admit we can’t do anything for you’ cures….the person who helped me the most was the one who said, “You know what- I can’t imagine what you are going through- but I’m here for you and I’m praying!” WOW!!!

  • DbbalTzell

    MARK!!! We are trying to reach you! With your Twitter acct gone, we are worried!!

  • Liz (artemisretreats)

    I miss you. Where are you? Please keep writing. You’ve been on my mind for days since you sent the sweetest tweet. So sweet, it took my breath away & I couldn’t even answer right away. You write about what I can’t even admit to myself.

  • wholly jeanne

    people are idiots. some are well-meaning idiots, but still idiots. and it’s such a dreadful position to be in – this needing to be in touch with the outside world, holding on to connections with others like a lifeline so you don’t get totally, completely lost, but then sometimes those connections are so idiotic. unless they’ve dealt with depression (and by dealt, i mean lived – not lived with, just lived) depression, they don’t know. sometimes i think people say stupid, dismissive things because they don’t understand depression, they want you to be happy and joyful 24/7 because that’s easier for them. plus there’s the whole bootstrap story that’s ingrained in us.

    bunk.

    i’m with my daughter last week and this week – can you tell?

    it’s the “muted” that rings so true and pings my heart. muted colors, feelings, being. and there’s nothing wrong with that – sometimes i need muted to keep from rubbing myself out. oh, mark, i don’t know what i’m trying to say here . . . except that you are a cherished, valued friend and to remind you that you know how to reach me if ever, ever there’s anything i can do. i will gnash teeth with you. i will listen to you, bear witness to your life. i will write tandem with you, draw with you, sing with you. (the singing? now that i think about it, that might be just the ticket if you’re looking to be catapulted from the darkness.)

    words fail me. i am trusting that you know, that you feel what i want to say.

  • http://twitter.com/patti_exhale Patti Murphy

    I was one of those people who never got it–until I got it. The hot tar and the marshmallows, that captures it. I felt like I was underwater.

    Glad you’re surfacing.

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